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.:MMD:. MISANTHROPY

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*Venting inner rage. Please pardon my rudeness, selfishness, language, anger and rage. None of these emotions am I used to showing, let alone even having at all.*


Okay look. I'm just going to be honest for a bit, okay? I've had this bottled up in me for a long time, and I'm just about sick of it. So WHEN I come off as rude, either understand, disregard it or just go away.

First off, I am so freaking sick of people treating me like I'm some distinct animal. I'm not that different from you. Yes, I'm a strange person that is really weird and hyper when happy, and I may say or do something that is out of the ordinary, but that doesn't mean there is something wrong with me. That doesn't mean you get to treat me like I don't even exist because I am different from what you're used to. If it bothers you, then be honest and freaking say so, but stop being a butthurt a**hole about it.

Second off, hugging people isn't a fu**ing homosexual act!! If I hug you, it's because I'm happy and I want you to be happy too. Either that or it's because I genuinely care about you and because I feel that you could be sad about something deep down and you're not telling me! I just act like a hyper kid during the hug to cover up my worries about you! It's hard enough for me to hug people at all because I am generally shy and am usually too afraid to show how much I care. If it bothers you, then I can freaking stop, but stop being an idiot about it! It's not that difficult to just say something if you hate it that fu**ing much!

Third off, yes, I've recently been diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder, and if you don't know what it is, look it up. Panic Disorder fits as well, but I wasn't specifically diagnosed for that, so I won't say I have it. I am also receiving medication for it to help me calm down. But you know the freak what? I DON'T USE THAT AS AN EXCUSE FOR WHATEVER THE HELL I FAIL AT!! I don't say "Oh I failed a test, sorry, my anxiety wouldn't let me study" or "Oh, I couldn't help that person in front of me that blatantly needed my help because my anxiety wouldn't let me approach him." Whether that is the reason for my shortcomings or not, I don't fu**ing use that as an excuse for what I fail to do, so don't fu**ing use it as an excuse to not take responsibility for the things you do to me! Don't say stupid sh*t like "Oh you're so angry, it's just your anxiety projecting your negative feelings on me", NO, if you pissed me off THEN YOU PISSED ME THE HELL OFF!! I'm not an immature idiot that can't channel his own feelings to what is and is not the cause of what bothers me, that may be you, but NOT ME. I've practiced LONG and HARD to control my emotions and make sure I don't hurt anyone with what I feel or what I say. So if I'm pissed off towards you, chances are that a million to one, it's you that I'm pissed at or upset with. If you can't take responsibility for the crap you do, then just stay the hell away from me, because I don't have time for your sh*t, and I sure as hell am not going to MAKE time for it.

Fourth off, stop trying to make me someone I'm not! I'm so sick and freaking tired of pretending to be someone else!
Yes, I'm different from you, but no two people are ever the same!
Yes, I have unusual interests, but that's who I am and what I like to do, get over it!
Yes, I'm gay. Don't go into all the crap about how it's possible to change my orientation or how I chose to be, it isn't possible and I didn't freaking choose it, and believe me, I fu**ing tried to be different! For 17 years I tried to completely become someone I'm not and it didn't work. Freaking Exodus International is a full-blown organization that believed it could change people's orientations and it had a freaking 99.9% failure rate, and was the cause of several suicides and making people self-hating, depressed people. So just shut up, if you can't listen to people and understand them, then you have no right to tell them how THEY should live THEIR lives. Do you know why I was named one of the best actors of my school? Because I've already trained in pretending to be someone I'm not my entire life, and I am absolutely sick of it!! It isn't even a sin to begin with, so I'm not going to mother-freaking bother with changing something that I've learned doesn't have to be changed because there was nothing ever wrong with it to begin with. I wasted 17 years of my life living in self-hating suicidal depression for no fu**ing reason. And if you try to have an argument with me over this, I'm just going to block you, because I'm not putting up with people's crap anymore about it. Most/ALL stereotypes about gay people aren't even true, they're just lies portrayed by the media or are traits visible to a small few of the people that do NOT represent the majority. TV isn't as freaking educational as you give it credit for. Face the reality and realize that I am not that different from you! Stop stereotyping, get to know someone, and stop being an a**hole to people that haven't done anything to you! Cut the crap about what you've heard from other people and just get to know someone yourself, and stop judging and mistreating people that you CLEARLY don't understand! You have no clue what REAL rejection and loneliness is like until you  experience the real thing. 40% of homeless adolescents in America alone are LGBT, and I myself am risking homelessness due to my "loving" parents. I'd like to see you live ONE DAY in my shoes, THEN you'll finally shut up and leave me alone. The American population is 7-8 billion people, and only 5% of the human population as a whole is LGBT, and yet we are one of the most hated minorities in the world. One day, just live ONE DAY in my shoes and you'll understand what it really means to feel like the world is against you.

Fifth off, never again will I pretend to be someone I'm not. As said in four, I'll say it again: I was considered one of the best actors of my school because I lived my entire life playing an actor's role every single day of my life for 17 years. I tried so hard in that acting role that I tried to BECOME my character and CONVINCE MYSELF that I was that character. And you know what? IT. WAS. ABSO.LUTELY. MISERABLE!! I'll never do it again and I hope to freaking GOD that no one else has to! Even though I know that MANY people like me are forced to pretend, and I know how miserable it is. Your own dad says to you in your face that who you are makes him want to vomit! What kind of loving father does that?! That I've lived a depressed, self-hating life, crying myself to sleep almost every night because I wanted to straight and couldn't, and then when I finally accepted myself, the real me makes my own father want to puke in the toilet and throw me away like garbage. So you can shut up about how I'M this horrible and terrible person for being a homosexual, when that wasn't even my decision to make. It was my decision to accept, not to become, those are two different freaking things. I tried doing it your way, to change myself, and that nearly got me killed (suicide), so now I'm doing it my way. Get a REAL education and treat people respectfully.

Oh, and P.S., sweetie, I may be gay, but I'm also a lot of other things. I'm also a counseling psychologist in training, a philanthropist, a person that values human life, a person that is against war, a person that is against ALL forms of discrimination, a person that wants to care for others and make sure they live happy lives like I intend to, whatever type of life that may be for them. Homosexuality is just one of the parts of me and is just something I HAPPEN to be, that isn't everything about me. Humans are a lot more complex than these one-sided personalities you consciously or subconsciously keep giving them.

And P.S.S. Just because I am doesn't mean I'm attracted to you or by any means have any interest in you. Seriously, get over yourself. A monogamous, married relationship is the only type of relationship that I'm interested in, anyway, and you sure as hell are not the person I'm looking for if you're going to be that ignorant.

I will love myself no matter what the hell you say to me! I will treat myself with dignity and respect for once! You can't make me someone I'm not, and I sure as hell am not going to pretend to be someone I'm not. I will be myself no matter what! The good qualities and the bad qualities of myself, I will love and accept them all, regardless of whether you do or don't! Because I am my own person, and I will love every single fu**ing second of being myself instead of some fake image the world has constructed for me. You get to be yourself, so why the fu** can't I? Why the hell do you get to be happy with yourself but I have to fight an inner war every single day of my life, a war that you don't even know I'm fighting? Why do I have to be miserable while you laugh and dream? Why do I have to be alone for the rest of my life while you get to run off and get married to that someone that you love and cherish so deeply that you're willing to lay down your life for? No. Fu** you. Honest to God, I am so done with people's sh*t, for this reason, and so many others. I try to love people, I honestly do TRY, but if you can't return the favor, if you treat me like sh*t as a response, then what the fu**? Really? And no, I don't put up with the crap where you tell me I make you wake to vomit and then you tell me we're best friends forever the next day. Ha, you're funny, now go away before you piss me off with that pale imitation of affection.

Do you want to know why I am accepting myself? Because most of my whole life no one ever has. For who I was and not someone else, no one ever loved me, so I'm just going to do it myself. I'm not going to wait for someone else to do it because I can't depend on them to. So I'm going to be myself and love every single second of it. Life's too short to wait for someone to fulfill your own life. That's time you could be spending fulfilling someone else's.

So if you have a problem with it, if you can't love me for me instead of who I pretend to be, then I simply don't need you in my life. So either love me and let me love you, or get out.

Fitting Music That Helped Me Express Myself:
Monster: www.youtube.com/watch?v=1mjlM_…
Corruption Garden: www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFf958…
The Last Night: www.youtube.com/watch?v=jP0Ne9…
Call Me: www.youtube.com/watch?v=PuDzAQ…

What Helped Calm Me Down:
Let it Go (Idina Minzel): www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0MK7q…
Let it Go (Demi Lovato [More Fitting]): www.youtube.com/watch?v=kHue-H…
Magenta: www.youtube.com/watch?v=IGoC_q…
The Lonely: www.youtube.com/watch?v=a9YQPW…
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xKodax's avatar
Ya' know, Voca. I really envy you. It must have been hard to accept and love yourself the way you do. As for me..heh, well, I don't think I'll ever be able to love myself..I have too many flaws that make others hate me. I really wish I could do what you have done..it recently has gotten harder for me to do so since someone I really care about replaced me. She was the only one who ever loved me..she was the only one who made me feel like I was worth something..I just can't believe she replaced me..she accepted me for who I was..she accepted my shyness and didn't degrade me for it. But..all that's gone..and it hurts to even think about her. I won't ever love myself, I hate how shy I am..I can't even ask someone if I can sit next to them on the bus! I would always hide behind that one friend who cared about me when I got too shy..I just..hate myself..and my self-hate grows stronger day by day..I'm sorry for bothering you with my self pity, I just wish I could be like you..I really look up to you..